God is at work in my life showing me how proud I am. I have found several symptoms of pride in my life. I don’t like this. I need humbled if I ever want God to work in my life. So much of my ministry is and has been hindered by my pride.
I have been looking at and studying pride as a means of getting rid of it, dying to myself. It is so hard for me to realize my pride. I don’t see it in me until it is pointed out. That hurts but I need it. I, always, react negatively and incorrectly when my pride is pointed out. I get super defensive and all the other symptoms of my pride show themselves so clearly!
My pride causes me to see others and their mistakes in the ministry. This makes me feel good about myself. It helps me in my ministry of “comparing myself” and “measuring myself.” It hurts me to admit this. I do my comparing with the best of intentions. I am thinking of how ministry could be done better, I say. Really, I think I say whatever I need to say to feel good about myself.
My pride has caused me to treat others harshly. Somehow thinking that I know makes me feel right in correcting others. I have seen that in the way I treat young men I work with. I over react. I want my way. I am demanding. I can demean others around me. My problem shows so clearly to all around me!
I get very defensive whenever someone points out my sin. I try my best to attack them without looking like it. I turn the guilt and blame towards someone else. I do anything to protect my ego and pride. This has been pointed out to me and I know it is true.
I love compliments. I seek them out. I do what I can to get people to say good things about me. I love being respected. I want people to think highly of me. I love their treating me like I am somebody. When they do not treat me like I want to be treated I get offended.
They say that confessing your pride is the beginning of getting right with God but I am not even sure that is true right now. As I confess I wonder how much I want you to respect me for confessing. I am very proud and hungry for your respect, remember!
When my pride gets wounded I can act like a caged animal. I can be hostile, angry, and resentful.
I do want victory.
This pride is very much the center of Satan’s attack on me and my ministry. I get hurt, think of myself, feel frustration all really due to my pride. I want victory but it seems so far away!